It's confusing. I've had so many wives and so many children I don't know which house to go to first on Christmas.

Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.

If I ever complain to an agent about anything, he always has a pained look on his face, like, "How can you be so ungrateful? Why, Mick, I just named my yacht after you!"

The audience and I are friends. They allowed me to grow up with them. I've let them down several times. They've let me down several times. But we're all family.

Nowadays, it is fashionable for agents to be out. When you call them, they're always "out." It's in, you see, to be out. If they're in, they're out. So, they're always out. That way, they'll be in.

Had I been brighter, the ladies been gentler, the Scotch been weaker, had the gods been kinder, had the dice been hotter, this could have been a one-sentence story: Once upon a time I lived happily ever after.

Women liked me because I made them laugh.