Look, I come from vaudeville, I come from burlesque, I come from heartaches, I come from sadness, I come from gladness, I come from work and sweat and respect for the craft.

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.

And that's the way I have always lived, for the laughs – today. N-O-W. No Other Way.

I hear Jerry Falwell every Sunday here talking about the devil and Hollywood. . . . I'm gonna write him a letter. Hollywood wasn't built on filth and dirt - it was built on talent.

I don't pick the roles. Your agent gets a call for you and you go and they all get together, everybody has fun at the reading, and they say, "There's chemistry here." So that's how it happens.

You always pass failure on the way to success.

I've been short all my life. And if anyone wonders what my dying wish will be, they can stop wondering. That will be easy. I'll just tell them, 'I'll have a short bier.'