Had I been brighter, the ladies been gentler, the Scotch been weaker, had the gods been kinder, had the dice been hotter, this could have been a one-sentence story: Once upon a time I lived happily ever after.

When I was 19 years old, I was the number one star of the world for two years. When I was 40, nobody wanted me.

I was a thirteen-year-old boy for thirty years.

When I open a refrigerator door and the light goes on, I want to perform.

I buy women shoes and they use them to walk away from me.

My marriage license reads, 'To whom it may concern,'

. . . children - not kids. Kids are goats. I've always spoken of my children as children.