Had I been brighter, the ladies been gentler, the Scotch been weaker, had the gods been kinder, had the dice been hotter, this could have been a one-sentence story: Once upon a time I lived happily ever after.

Someone once asked me what I want on my epitaph when I pass away. Just the words 'I tried.' That's what this game of life is all about. Trying. There's the tryers, the criers, and the liars.

I'm 74 but I feel like I'm 35. And it isn't work. You know what it is? It's fun, absolute fun. I don't know many people who are fortunate enough to be in a business like that.

Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.

I hear Jerry Falwell every Sunday here talking about the devil and Hollywood. . . . I'm gonna write him a letter. Hollywood wasn't built on filth and dirt - it was built on talent.

Nowadays, it is fashionable for agents to be out. When you call them, they're always "out." It's in, you see, to be out. If they're in, they're out. So, they're always out. That way, they'll be in.

The film The Last Temptation of Christ, no matter what its defenders say, was a slap in the face to Christians everywhere.