Had I been brighter, the ladies been gentler, the Scotch been weaker, had the gods been kinder, had the dice been hotter, this could have been a one-sentence story: Once upon a time I lived happily ever after.

It's confusing. I've had so many wives and so many children I don't know which house to go to first on Christmas.

I keep going because if you stop, you stop. Why retire? Inspire.

I've been short all my life. And if anyone wonders what my dying wish will be, they can stop wondering. That will be easy. I'll just tell them, 'I'll have a short bier.'

To those seniors, and especially elderly veterans like myself, I want to tell you this: You are not alone, and you having nothing to be ashamed of. If elder abuse happened to me, it can happen to anyone. I want you to know that you deserve better.

Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.

Clark Gable once said to me, "'Acting school?' [If you go,] I'll kill ya!"