. . . children - not kids. Kids are goats. I've always spoken of my children as children.

It's confusing. I've had so many wives and so many children I don't know which house to go to first on Christmas.

I've been short all my life. And if anyone wonders what my dying wish will be, they can stop wondering. That will be easy. I'll just tell them, 'I'll have a short bier.'

When I open a refrigerator door and the light goes on, I want to perform.

Had I been brighter, the ladies been gentler, the Scotch been weaker, had the gods been kinder, had the dice been hotter, this could have been a one-sentence story: Once upon a time I lived happily ever after.

Nowadays, it is fashionable for agents to be out. When you call them, they're always "out." It's in, you see, to be out. If they're in, they're out. So, they're always out. That way, they'll be in.

The audience and I are friends. They allowed me to grow up with them. I've let them down several times. They've let me down several times. But we're all family.