I know which side my bread is buttered on: the side which falls on the carpet.

There's no way to repay a mother's love, or lack of it.

Each day, the American housewife turns toward television as toward a lover. She feels guilty about it, and well she might, for he's covered with warts and is only after her money.

In church, sacred music would make believers of us all — but preachers can be counted on to restore the balance.

If you can tell anyone about it, it's not the worst thing you ever did.

If only we could be old and sick while we're still young and healthy enough to put up with it!

Men never know how tired they are till their wives sit them down for a nice long talk.