Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

How many people do you know who have thrown up on the Scrambler or a carnival ride? A lot of people, is the answer.

Our fear leads us to say no all the time.

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

I can always go back to waiting tables, but I won't be very good at it. I'll never be good at it.