Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'

I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!"

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

I always try to attack the most honest issues I can in my comedy.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.