I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.

I've read that Steven Wright's style was born out of genuine nervousness.

I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.

All techniques of comedy are valid and interesting to me.

People getting along doesn't sell very well in the news. I find that to be deeply depressing. I don't even talk about it on stage, because it would take too long to explain.

The people who are the worst at news, who kind of engage in what I call the World Wrestling of news, have kind of set the bar for where news is.

Backup dancers are completely respectable. They're the studio musicians of dance.