I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.

I always try to attack the most honest issues I can in my comedy.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!"

I try to think up material that might apply to the subjects they are studying. How many mitochondria does it take to power a cell? One. Because mitochondria are the powerhouse of the cell. Not ready for prime time, that one.

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.

Sometimes, when you want to be in a place so badly, you'll do anything.