Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt.

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!"

I've been selfish over the years, and other people who have made it have too, but I can only speak for myself.

My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, "Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat."

The list of fun and easily fixed brain diseases is very short.

I think Mitch Hedberg is one of the great comedians of the past 20 years.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.