Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt.

I can always go back to waiting tables, but I won't be very good at it. I'll never be good at it.

Our fear leads us to say no all the time.

I actually love 'Saturday Night Live,' like a sports fan watches their favorite team to see how they're doing. I know the players and the writers, I've known several people on that show for a number of years.

I almost can't even put to words how happy I am that I got married.

Every comedian comes to a fork in the road where they have to decide if they're going to make jokes about other people or make jokes about themselves. I chose myself.

I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents... my dad told me "You're good; you should be a computer programmer." I said, "You're bad... you should be a caveman."