I never looked at my parents' marriage or really anyone who had been married more than 30 years and thought, 'I gotta get me some of that!'

I think serious situations actually make for the best kind of belly laughs. But theyre also the hardest to convert into comedy at the outset.

My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.

I think spending a lot of time with my mom, who's a talker and a storyteller, and my dad, who has kind of a soft-spoken, understated sense of humor, I think that's how I became what I am, which is sort of an understated storyteller.

I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.

The list of fun and easily fixed brain diseases is very short.

I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!"