I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore!

I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.

Fortunately, I don't talk about politics on stage.

Comedy is tragedy plus time, but the time is different for everybody.

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.'

I've been selfish over the years, and other people who have made it have too, but I can only speak for myself.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.