You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better