You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.