I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.