When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!

You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.