Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.