Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".

Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.