To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".