To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don't like that.

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!