About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.