About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.