I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.

Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.