I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.