I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.