I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!