I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.