Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don't think so...retired mermaids.

If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

I have a nut allergy. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.