When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.