I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.