When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"