When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews'

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"