People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have time. Scrambled!

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!

Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break.

There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"