People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.

People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.