I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.