P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"

Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.