It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.