I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.