I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"