I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.