People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.