People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.