I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.