I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.