I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.