If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.