I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.