I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps