I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews'

People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.

I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."

P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.