I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.

I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll still be like what, so now he's got me yellin. Man that tree is far away

Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!