I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?"

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!"

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.