When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'

I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.