Every picture of you is when you were younger.

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.