I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.