I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit, how'd you pull that off Let me see that camera. What's it look like'

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.