I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are probably coming from the angle that they don't want to take it so seriously. I've always looked at it as an art but I don't look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.