I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.