I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"