I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf."

I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!