Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.