I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"