If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

That's always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn't look like he's having fun but in general if you just listen to the crowd it sounds like they're having fun. So I don't want to focus on the one guy who's not having fun. And by closing my eyes and just listening, I can't hear that he's not laughing but I can see that he's not laughing.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!