If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.