I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.

People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.