I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"

When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That's not fair. That's like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I'm a really good cook, they'd say, "OK, you're a cook. Can you farm?"

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.