The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort.

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!