I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

That's always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn't look like he's having fun but in general if you just listen to the crowd it sounds like they're having fun. So I don't want to focus on the one guy who's not having fun. And by closing my eyes and just listening, I can't hear that he's not laughing but I can see that he's not laughing.

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.