I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.