We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.