We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'