We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.