A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'