A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.