I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask the English people if they knew who Smokey the Bear is. But they don't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. And that's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!"

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.